Question: I'm having a hard time finding people to be in my Room Draw group with me, and I may even have to find another roommate for next year. What can I do to make sure that I have good people to live with next year?
KAM: Ahhhh. Roommates. Can’t live with them, and you can’t sell them for parts.
ABW: Well, you can, but there are refrigeration issues and it’s a cash-only business. Did I type that out loud?
KAM: Ummm, yeah, that was your “outside voice.” However, best friends and compatibility are two separate concepts. Best friends often don’t make the best roommates. And the best roommates often aren’t best friends.
ABW: I’ve seen many a good friendship ruined by the choice to room together. Sort of like marriage, rooming together eventually allows an often unsavory glimpse into the less attractive habits and qualities of a person, and sometimes the psychological cost of adapting to those foibles takes a relationship-damaging toll.
Clearly you’re not marrying your roommate so you’re not obligated long-term, but if he/she is a friend as well, it doubles the risks of confronting the difficult behaviors you now face as both roommate and friend.
KAM: Roommate compatibility is actually a more objective concept.
It’s based on similar schedules, routines, concepts of cleanliness, procedures and times for sleeping, similar ideas as to how to resolve problems, similar values and ideas as to the nature of academics, etc. A best friend/roommate who makes noise when you want to sleep and is a slob when you’re a neat freak is not going to make for a fun time.
ABW: A good place to look is to ask your friends and current roommates who they think would be compatible with you.
If you promise them a retaliation-free comment period, they just might have some good ideas about who would be a good fit for you.
Question: Two of my close friends dated and recently broke up. How can I still maintain healthy friendships with each of them and not feel like I’m a divorce attorney?
KAM: How about every time they start complaining about each other, you start saying “ka-ching, ka-ching” in a louder, obnoxious vocal tone. That’ll remind them of how much money they’re saving by complaining to you.
ABW: I completely agree. You could be the first one on your block to start charging for the same therapeutic compassion the rest of your friends dole out for free.
KAM: More seriously, you may want to consider how much complaining you can tolerate. Then sit each down and explain that you want to be friends with both of them, and there are limits to how much complaining you can hear and still do this. When they are exceeding the limit, you can gently (or not so gently) remind them.
ABW: And don’t forget you are part-owner of two of the three friendships in this picture – your friendships with each of them – and you have a right to assert your needs in both of those relationships. Feel free to be direct and tell them “hey, you dumped each other but I haven’t dumped either of you”, or that when one trashes the other, he/she is trashing someone you care about. Bringing your relationships with each to their attention may help temper the complaining and give you some strength.
KAM: This may be a new experience for them, too. Covertly they may prefer you to take sides—it validates their position. You being friends with both gives the message that they’re both fundamentally OK people.
ABW: Plus, defending your friendship with both might give them both pause to do the much harder and more important thing: consider what they themselves contributed to the demise of the relationship.
Send your questions to abuhman-wiggs@ benedictine.edu
